Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
