She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
