the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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