Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
