obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
