turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
