Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
