i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
