I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
