I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
