Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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