he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
one might say we're banned from that church
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
