Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
