ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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