Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
