well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
