Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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