does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
