New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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