I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
