i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There's always time for handjobs
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
