You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize