my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize