yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
