He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
