i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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