I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
