I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
