theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
