I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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