I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
