All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
