anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
