dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
