Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
