Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
