There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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