just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
