I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
