Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
