my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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