I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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