tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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