I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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