Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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