I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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