I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
