Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
