the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
