If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
