Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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