I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
