Sober January is a disaster.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
