During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize