yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize