Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
