yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
