the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
