What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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