I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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