hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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