I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Randomize
